I work for a non-profit or not for profit organization. I’ve never understood what the significance of making the distinction between the two epithets is, but I get the feeling the latter indicates they aren’t trying to make a profit, but if they do, they wouldn’t be morally opposed to it. In any case, the organization I work for is a community of homes dedicated to the care of adults with special needs.
When I tell people about my job, I sometimes get looks or comments that indicate they have discovered some kind of respect for me, or that they have intuited that, because of where I work, I’m a good person. Well I’m here to tell you that I’m not a good person because of where I work. In fact I’ve become fairly sure that I’m not a good person precisely because of this work.
Let’s first be clear here. I get paid, to do my job. I’m not volunteering or raising a clarion call for the world to stand up and take an interest in a cause. I go to work, I do my job, I get under paid, and I go home. Simple as that. I’ve worked with this organization for 4 years, which seems absurdly long every time I think about it; and in those 4 years I’ve experienced various levels of ups and downs which both confirm that I am human and that I am going to hell.
This next statement is going to make me an asshole and I wholeheartedly accept my fate as such, but the clients here are phenomenal jackasses about half the time. A few in particular have managed to cultivate jackassery as an entire persona in fact.
“Oh, but J. R. you can’t say that about the disabled. They have special needs and can’t help the way that they are.”
You’d be surprised at the level of reasoning skills the individuals I work with in particular have. If you choose your words carefully and put your arguments on a level that they can understand, they can understand you very clearly and remember them with clarity.
The problem is, they’re human, so they’re needy, greedy, selfish, and liars.
Now my particular not for profit organization has a mission. It is a faith based organization with a 70 year tradition. This entails a lot of prayer, mainly to Jesus, because you know, that’s the only faith that exists anywhere ever. It also involves a lot of reflection meetings and group counseling apparently. All of which I find completely inane and pointless. The problem with the branch that I work for is that, since it is government regulated and the majority of the employees come from outside of the community, it is no longer the organization that began some 70 years ago. Therefore, a lot of it’s traditions are relics of a time that no longer bears relevance on the here and now.
But the administration and a select few of the lower level employees choose not to think about the adaptation. It’s true they have come to grips with certain aspects and have given up hope of cajoling or threatening people into using there off days and times for superfluous fuckwittery, but they still haven’t picked up on the very essence of it.
I suppose it is their job. You can’t bear the name of the institution and then completely abandon all that that institution stands for, but facts are facts. Sitting in their cushy chairs removed from the day to day chicanery and toil, they have the benefit of being optimistic and a bit nostalgic; which in turn fuels the desire to want to uphold mission.
That being said, they should also be intelligent enough to know that we, the last rung on the ladder, are the ones who make this machine go. While they enjoy the breeze on the upper decks, we’re in the inferno of the ships bowels, driving it forward and onward.
So imagine having to fend off the awkward physical assault of a nearly middle aged man, who needs your assistance to wipe his own ass, because he is upset that you took someone else to the library when he can not in fact read or use the computer. Then being asked the next day if perhaps there was something that you did to trigger this completely irrational behavior; yet in the same breath being reminded that they are just like us and should be treated as such.
Well, which is it? Are we excusing this behavior (by blaming the employees for doing their jobs), or are we actually going to examine the truth of the matter, that we’re dealing with a human being who’s selfishness drives them to violence?
I’ve read 1984, okay? I can’t do doublethink. More importantly I won’t. So yes I will publicly denounce the specious wording on your frivolous questionnaires, which are carefully devised as to eliminate the possibility of giving a negative answer.
There is a long, boring, complicated history behind my pessimism and lack of devotion to my job. Suffice it to say that once I was blissfully in the matrix, but now I’ve taken the red pill and see the truth for what it is, and I refuse to be vilified for that.
It doesn’t mean that I will perform my job any less, or that I don’t care about the people I look after. It just means that I see the flaws on every level, myself included. I know for a fact that I am not the ideal person they had in mind for this job, but they hired me, and where that person would have existed she was destroyed by asshat bureaucracy.
So what is the moral of this blog? Maybe it’s that I need to make a change in careers; or maybe it’s that perhaps I’m not a bad person because I speak truth……
Or maybe it’s just that I like to bedazzle cuss words.